For the ones I love

Baby girls, don't feel down.
It crushes me inside to see you girls sad.
I love you girls. Remember that.
"Happy thoughts."

A new space

Gone are the memories.
Time to let go, and start afresh.
We are all given second chances.
Even though we have ran out of credit.

Wasted

Wait. Time, just stop right there.



What the fuck is going on in my life? I was starting to pick myself up and move on.
After everything that happened, I was stronger than before. Everything was brighter.

And now, I'm back to square one. Darkness all over again.
Fuck you. Yes fuck you very much.
 Thanks for screwing me and breaking me into pieces again.

I've to pick up my pieces, and build myself back up again.




Sometimes, I wonder how long can I last.
After so many screw-ups, I'm already so numb.
I don't want to care, because if I do, all I feel is pain.

sigh.


"hey little fighter, soon it'll all be brighter."

Calling (Lose my mind)

Can we freeze karma and surrender our rights and wrongs 

Can we just for a night let the stars decide where we belong 

Maybe heaven right now is a devil or angel away 

That won't change 

Together we vow that our colors will sparkle the faith

Miracles

Things seem so much clearer nowadays. I went to Church on Saturday and spoke to God. And He replied. He gave me so much more direction to go from here onwards. I feel that I have a connection to Him, a relationship I've always needed. Now I can see better and move on in the right course of my life, because I'm keeping faith in Him. Here, I'd like to share with you how God touched my heart.


 I believe that many of us here tend to forget things, be it keys, wallet, phone or turning on the heater before you head into the shower. (yes that always happens to me) We all have this problem of forgetting things, and it always costs us something small or big.

Now the question is, what happens when you forget about God.
In fact, it costs us the most when we all forget about God.

When I first started walking down this road with God, I didn't know what to expect. Angels to descend from above? (Ok I'm kidding) But God is actually always there for me unconditionally, and I find myself always leaning on him for advice and help. Then it hit me. Why do I always sin and let God down over and over again. Whenever I forget about God, I give in to my idolatries and sin. After all that He has done for me...


Bless the Lord, O my soul,
and forget not all his benefits. 
- Psalms 103:2

I remind myself every now and then. Don't forget God. I hope you do too.


The next part of this sharing is about faith.

At times of distress, we all fear and panic. If a storm is about to hit your place tonight, it's no doubt we will all naturally feel anxious, worried and scared. But even at times like this, have faith in God.


As stated in Matthew 8:24-27,

Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping. The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!”


Now do not be afraid, because God is with you. But this doesn't mean that everything will be smooth-sailing in your life. This means, that God is with you, every step of the way to encounter your problems. 

So have faith, not fear.

---------

Lost

 

 

Sometimes, I feel like losing myself. Just go wild and never look back. Cigarettes, alcohol, sex. These seem to be able to fill the emptiness in my heart for that moment. But honestly, I know it will not last. My past has gave me a huge spank and taught me a lesson I will not forget. That's why I'm fighting back. Or at least I'm trying to.



But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. 
They will soar on wings like eagles; 
They will run and not grow weary, 
They will walk and not be faint.
- Isaiah 40:31

Torn

oh fuck.
Why am I in such a mess.


There's nothing where he used to lie
My inspiration has run dry
That's what's going on, nothing's right, I'm torn

I'm all out of faith, this is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn 

------------

 I'm fumbling, trying to gather the pieces of me which are shattered all over by those who come and go in my life. How pathetic can I get, as I desperately attempt to glue back and fix these pieces. Of what's left of me. Sometimes, I find myself completely alone. Like there's no one there to depend on. I crumbled again and again. 

But no. I will not falter. I will pick up these abandoned pieces and create an amazing being that will blow you away. Just you see. 

P.S. I really appreciate those who stayed in my life, even after all the bullshits I've been through, all the tears I've shed and all the love you guys gave me endlessly. Thank you. To those who really matter.

Cold blood

It's been one of the worst nights yet. I've decided to severe ties with my sister completely. Mainly because she's the biggest fucking selfish piece of shit I've ever come across and I'm done tolerating all of her bullshit.

The final straw was when she woke me up for just sleeping over the line that separates our beds, at fucking midnight. And calling me a lazy pig and insulting me over and over again as she always do.  I wake up at 6am every morning and sleep at 12am almost every night. Now I don't deserve to get some fucking rest? What fuckery fuck is this. You had to wake me up, and cause me to not be able to fall back asleep. Bravo. Here you go, you totally deserve the worst sister award in the whole wide world. Fuck you.

629

Hand me the morphine.

Everything is going to be alright.

Forever

Year 1, 1st Sem

 

Year 1, 2nd Sem 

Love you girls.

Change

When I went to church service last Saturday, God has guided me and showed me how to become better. Though I didn't grew up in a Christian family and went to a temple for my whole childhood life., I really believe that God's there for me. I am really glad to find the ability in my freedom to change the way I live life now. I know that the Lord will forgive me for the sins I've committed and accept me though I'm not worthy, for I'll forgive and accept those I'm acquainted with as well. God bless everyone out there.

-----

I'm trying real hard to keep this relationship from falling apart. To be honest, I'm doing things I've never done before in any of my past relationships. Just because I love Vic, so much. But he always get upset over the very thing that has been straining our relationship all these while, texting. You see, I'm not the most efficient texting buddy that anyone wishes for, well in fact, I'm the slowest. Vic needs assurance all the time, he needs to have me there texting him. I'm really trying. God please help me.


What do I do now?

Who am I?

I don't want to lose myself in this.

What is love?

why do you have to ruin it
why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why  why hwhy why whyw yhw hwoyh wiehcoehwthwoi hw wjeiorhgew ihwerioghewoig eig ie erg ergewrgi egiowjeje oijegjeoi gjeg oihwihtaochwoeiauaefheijpqcjpop[


Im so so so sick of it. Everything is all boiled and bottled up, I just wanna erupt anytime. I can feel this falling apart. Why can't you just believe in me.............................






















fuck.

Happy birthday Vic

Am so glad the birthday celebration and mascots chalet was a success. Love you Vic.

I love my girls J & L above anything else. Can always talk to them about anything.
So blessed to have them. <3

Less than a day left for phuket!
Ciao.

J & L

It's the start of October! Hope things will sail smoothly in this month! :) 2 more weeks till school start! Looking forward to start of new sem but can't deny I hate to part with the holidays... Definitely can't wait for vic's birthday and phuket! Really need to enjoy myself then!

I miss my girls. Where are you girls? (girls, girls, girls....) [echos]
Hoping the three of us can finally get together and hang out! Maybe after vic's birthday, phuket...?

My skin complexion needs to get better..... and my eyebrow needs to grow. ARGH.

On a side note, can't wait to "bake" for my loved ones! Ash can't bake very well, and it's usually a hassle to bake. When I decide to bake, it's usually for the ones I love :)

Looking forward to these!

Courage

I can't explain how blessed I feel right now. Being with Vic is like honeymoon all over again. I'm not bored or tired of being with him. Times spent with him pass by so fast and feel so short. I can walk for 2 mrt stops with him and yet it felt like 5 minutes only. When we actually chatted up for an hour during the walk. (Bet we burned hellva lots of calories that day)

I remember every moment we spent together, notice every little thing he does and the things he didn't do. Sure, every couple has their fall outs. No doubt Vic and I went through a rough patch too. But it was the first time I faced up to things. I didn't have to run away or hide anymore. I really fought against my nature this time for Vic. Because he's worth it. I told myself to be more understanding and honest about everything with him. And things started to work out. He made me feel safe, and protected. I've finally found my shelter. Ever since initial d left me all wrecked, I never thought I could find my happiness again. Until Vic came along. The amount of happiness I feel right now is unmeasurable and limitless. Thank you God for this wonderful gift. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

I really hope I'm not being selfish or greedy to ask for this one last favor. But, dear Father, will you please make this paranoia go away? I need assurance. I need closure. I need your enlightenment. Please. In Jesus' heavenly name I pray with all my heart, amen.

------------------------------------------------------------------

 Thank you Father, for everything. Faith, trust, and hope. There's something I can believe in again. I can feel your love and blessings, and I will not take them for granted. I'm kicking away my bad habits, washing away my sins to not let you down. Hope it's a great start to something even more. I love you.

Dear God

Please make things alright.

Guitar pick and polariods

I'm useless. All I could do is wait for news and dwell on how useless I am for not being there with you. I want to be there, and take care of you so badly. Only if I can be there for you to hold onto, to make you feel better. Please get well soon Vic. I pray every now and then, just to see your smile again. I miss you.

Dear Father, please give Vic strength to pull through this. Please bless him with your love and care, and bring him speedy recovery. I'm willing to give up my sins, just to make him feel better. Please Lord, help me. In Jesus' heavenly name, I pray. Amen.

The Unexplored

The past 2 days has really been eye-opening. BAmazing Race 8 Day 1 was really well planned and tiring. My team was pretty much worn out from all the battle scars during the race (The boys cut their legs from some thorns in the bushes) and we landed in 8th position out of 27 teams. Day 2 was less physical and tougher with the challenges. Almost everyone just took the penalties cus we can't complete the task. My team jumped from 11th position to 3rd position at the final station. (WOOOOO) Thanks to our alliance who made it 1st, for providing with us the major clue. It was a really unexpected win because we literally walked and took the lift (bunch of lazy asses we are). Even the team who sprinted to the final checkpoint wasn't able to make it. So, hell yeah man! We've completed BAmazing 8!!! Awesome experience, must fight for another chance to compete next year!

Time check: 2:29AM

Gotta wake up at 5:30AM and leave at 5:45 for iDare tomorrow! 3 hours of sleep starts...... now.

Getaway

It's been awhile since I last visited Genting. Gotta love the weather there. The clouds were fogging up the whole outdoor theme park we could barely play the rides. Luckily we still managed to take the rides in the end. Another spark of the trip was the magic show - Superstars of Magic 2 which consists of:

"The World’s Greatest Escape Artist” – Dean Gunnarson
“The Great Illusionists” – JC Sum and ‘Magic Babe’ Ning
The “World’s Best Variety Act” – Charlie Frye & Co.
 “Europe’s Best Pickpocket Artist” - Christian Lindemann
 “Stage Comedy Magician of the Year” – Chipper Lowell
 “France’s Card Manipulation Champion” – Nestor Hato
The “World’s Best Quick Change Act” – Sos and Victoria Petrosyan
 “The World’s Youngest Manipulation Artists” – Sos and Tigran Junior

With Christian Lindemann and Nestor Hato

 The magic show was just fantastic. Some of my favourite magicians are Christian Lindemann & Sos and Victoria Petrosyan. They just leave you completely astonished with their magic skills. How did Christian managed to steal so swiftly and stealthily? And how can Sos and Victoria Petrosyan change their outfits so quickly? MAGIC. (As Chipper the comedian/emcee said on stage) Dean Gunnerason is another brave magician (whom I really respect) who performed the escape from a completely locked and chained "tank'. He was underwater for 2 whole mins, handcuffed and chained, before he manged to escape out of the tank. You know it's real when you see his whole face red from holding his breath. Utter respect for his brave act.

So I'm now back onto Singapore's soil. Kinda miss Singapore, miss my wonderful friends here but definitely do not miss the weather here. Time to unpack and head to bed!

 Adios.

Hypocrite

Had a short road trip to Genting Highlands on Wednesday. It was a fun but eye-opening trip for me. Fun, cus I rode all the roller coasters, the space shot and the spinner. Eye-opening, cus I experienced the obnoxious and hypocritical attitude of my sister. Nobody's perfect, that I always tell myself. I always accept people for who they are and disregard their flaws.

But, I cannot accept it when people take this as a vulnerability and make use of me. Look sis, I'm not your fucking slave and I'm not someone you can fucking throw your temper on. Not everyone is like you, alright. I was merely commenting on the service of the Macdonalds staff crew, and you had to criticize me about picking a fight with her/him. Bloody hell. Another time is asking you to buy supper and you had to give such an angsty expression. The fuck. Whenever you asked for a favor I am willing to help. From now on, not anymore. I don't fucking owe you a living. I'm not a hypocrite like you, I won't pretend and fake a smile and accept your intolerable attitude towards me.

I don't owe you, and you don't own me.

Priceless

August charm

 How can things ever be the same again
If we hold onto our ego more than our love 

The Final Riot

Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

'Cause we are broken
What must we do to restore
Our innocence?
And oh, the promise we adored
Give us life again
'Cause we just wanna be whole

Bipolar disorder

A condition in which people go back and forth between periods of a very good or irritable mood and depression. The "mood swings" between mania and depression can be very quick.


Symptoms:
Daily low mood or sadness
Difficulty concentrating, remembering, or making decisions
Feeling worthless, hopeless, or guilty
Loss of self-esteem
Pulling away from friends or activities that were once enjoyed
Thoughts of death and suicide


:'(

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You'll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I'll be safe and sound

Blue Blanket For The Sphinxlike

Spinxlike —adj. like the Sphinx; 
                        enigmatic or inscrutable

Hi. I've decided on creating a new journal to, basically spill my thoughts here; be it excitement, worries, anxiety and maybe even anger. So here's to all the bumps and heavyhearted moments. Fall like ashes of a cigarette, and buried away. Another purpose is to improve my horrible writing skills and better my English. I don't know if this is going to work, but I'll try. Hey, at least the effort's there, right? Every post title will consist of a new word to add into my vocabulary bank.

On a side note, there's a profound hidden meaning behind this title. It represents a part of me, what I am. A Scorpio. Okay, I'm typing this at 6:35am in the morning. Time to wrap things up.

Plans for the holidays:
- Exercise twice a week (Monday and Thursday)
- Write and read
- Eat more and healthily (Try Vegan)
- Smoke less
- TCP camp, BAmazing, iDare
- Vic's Birthday
- Phuket


Till next time.
Bye.